My name is Milos Hrma. People often laughed at my name.
But ours was a famous family.
Great-Grandfather Lukas was a drummer,
and fought on the Charles Bridge in Prague.
The students threw cobblestones at the soldiers
and hit Great-Grandfather so hard
that he was pensioned off on one gulden a day.
He didn't do anything after that
except buy a bottle of rum and a pack of tobacco every day.
It's so wonderful that you've got a uniform, Milos.
Once again, somebody in the family has made good.
My grandfather William was a hypnotist,
and the town believed his career choice was a result of his desire to live an easy life.
You must be careful not to crash any trains.
The whole town would hate us for it.
My father, an engine driver,
retired when he was 48. People are green with envy
since Dad is healthy and will draw his pension
for 20, maybe 30 years without lifting a finger.
When you arrive on the platform for the first time
you must keep your family in mind.
You look so nice, Milos.
Great-Grandfather Lukas used to buy a bottle of rum
and two packs of tobacco.
Instead of staying home, he went to see the workers
and made fun of them.
Every year Grandpa Lukas would get beaten.
In 1930, Great-Grandfather was taunting some stone cutters
whose quarry had just been closed down, and they beat him so badly he died.
And when the Germans crossed the frontier
and proceeded towards Prague,
Grandfather William decided to face the Germans with hypnosis
to stop the tanks with the power of thought.
With outstretched hands, and eyes glued to the Germans,
he tried to make them turn back.
The first tank actually stopped, then the entire army stopped,
but then when Grandfather didn't move
the tank ran him over, cutting off his head.
Nothing more stood in the way of the Reich's army.
JAN SOVA SHOEMAKER
I went on a training course for signalmen.
The whole town knows I want to be one
because I don't want to do anything
but stand on a platform with a signal disc and avoid any hard work,
while others work and work and work.
CLOSELY OBSERVED TRAINS
My little babies.
Here, my children, this is for you.
Take some grain, my winged babies.
This is from the Countess. Does it taste nice?
Eat up, my little ones.
You like it?
Here, have some more, go ahead.
Apprentice Milos Hrma reporting to work.
Welcome, Milos. At ease.
Your Dad was the best engine driver in the district.
He once threw out the stoker from a moving train.
There, my little chicks.
Come here. Fly, pigeons.
Take some grain, boys.
What a station, eh? More like a farm.
The double gates open and shut. Otherwise, we are closed.
We have arrivals and departures. Otherwise we are closed.
So why have you left it half open, half closed?
It's not like you to fall over, Mr. Novak.
That clock has such a beautiful sound.
Hello, Milos.
- Hello, Masa. - You're looking smart.
You look nice too, Masa.
What a girl!
What kind of girl is she?
A nice one.
All girls are nice.
What else?
Countess, at your service.
I need two cars to take some cattle to the slaughterhouse.
I need to sell a few heifers.
Our district is becoming more and more immoral.
The church in Kostelni Lhota has to be consecrated all over again.
Fornication behind the altar.
What a woman!
Look at those legs.
She's a dream, not a real woman.
If she bent over me, the whole world would become dim.
I need one car, but with good rings. I have to sell some bulls too.
- You're not afraid of horses? - Who? Me?
I used to serve under Count Chotek and Prince Silva el Tores.
Next time when you come to the castle,
I'll send you a stallion instead of the carriage.
EXIT
Milos, I had the most wonderful dream.
A woman is nature's finest jewel.
All the Countess ever sends is two cases of beer
and a bottle of liquor...
I dreamt that I turned into a carriage
and the Countess held me by the shaft-bar
and led me to the storeroom.
You should have seen it before the war,
when the Master himself went away somewhere.
The stationmaster unfurled a carpet from the carriage to the platform.
All the pensioners came in their uniforms.
Everybody saluted, and in the afternoon a whole carriage
full of liquor, beer, wine and food was sent down from the castle.
And what about your girlfriend?
How's it going?
That clock has a beautiful sound.
It's a bit tight round here.
A future railway inspector should be like a major in the army.
Exactly. But don't forget one of my shoulders is shorter.
The golden ornaments - the star and sequins with the gold braid -
should be sewn on with gold thread.
Come in.
Sir, about the Countess' cattle - will we load it on track five?
Yes. First, the cattle for Her Ladyship,
secondly, polish your shoes
and finally, don't talk with the conductor.
You must consider your position, you're a future signalman.
Don't take after Hubicka,
he won't get a promotion for ten years.
Why?
Because of his women. You'd do better to follow my example.
Good morning, friends.
The situation of our armies fighting for the welfare
of all the nations of Europe, whether willing or unwilling,
is extremely favorable.
We were forced to withdraw here
but here our armies tactically withdrew from the Baltic area.
This was a beautiful tactical withdrawal from the Dniepr to the Danube.
Here we have tactically withdrawn from the Americans
as far as Belgium.
And here, a masterstroke in Italy.
But why?
Indeed. Why?
Because the enemy is crawling into a trap.
Can't you see it?
Look carefully.
Here we'll attack the back lines of the enemy.
Here will go for the Russians in the Caucasus from Turkey
and to Petrograd from Sweden.
Here we'll avoid the enemy and disembark from Sicily
and here in the back lines of the Americans in France.
And so they are trapped and we'll chase them from two sides.
Why?
So that everyone can live happily.
That's why I came.
Sign the declaration stating that you understand
that if you neglect your duties at the station
you will go to prison for at least ten years,
perhaps for life, or even be sentenced to death.
That's all there is to it,
only a few Czech chauvinists think that they can turn back the course of history.
But the Führer means well, even to the good Czechs
and he believes that providence will not abandon us...
Where is... Where is the station stamp?
You must pay special attention to these closely observed trains.
Yes?
There.
Maybe I should get dressed, this way...
No, no! When you're fighting for ultimate victory
clothes are not important.
Let us leave fashion for peacetime.
Why?
- Stop asking such silly questions. - Why shouldn't he ask? He's young.
Why? To save civilization.
Why?
Because that's what the Führer wants.
We need to get along
because we are all in the same boat.
Is that clear?
So long, friends.
Cousin?
The signalman's cousin...
What beautiful little ears you have.
All they need are some diamond earrings.
Really?
Why don't you do something about it?
Do you know any more jokes?
Max, dinner's ready.
One butcher used to carry udders out of the slaughterhouse
and since there was an inspection
he carried it in his trousers.
- Really? You're killing me. - Yes.
He got on a tram and the lady sitting next to him says,
"Sir, something is showing from your trousers. "
So the man takes out a knife, cuts off a teat and says,
"Never mind, I've got three more. "
- And what did the lady do? - She fainted.
I've got a different version of that joke.
Everything is fine,
the butcher carries out the udder,
takes the tram, sits down,
the lady also points out that something is showing...
And the butcher takes out a knife...
- Cuts... - The lady turns pale...
Not so much the lady as the butcher.
He screams,
"Christ, that was the real one. "
Mr. Stationmaster, the score is 2-0 to my cousin.
- No, no, this really happened. - Yes.
- Have a drink. - Thanks.
A necklace would look lovely on this beautiful neck.
Hurry, Max, your food will get cold.
Coming.
Or a little cross between two knaves.
I'm coming.
Max, if you don't come this minute,
I'm not going to warm your food.
I have to go down.
I have to work on a report for the management.
This is for a sweater for the Countess.
Who's that laughing out there?
The signalman's cousin.
Such terrible morals these days.
The Countess told me that they will have to consecrate
the church in Kostelni Lhota all over again.
This is what you get when there is no power over people.
Signalman...
I don't know how to tell you.
Did you always get along well with women like you do with your cousin?
I was no good with women at all.
- How long is it going to take? - Two hours.
Nothing is sacred to this guy.
Terrible downfall.
Was the soup too salty?
No.
Today the church stands on clay feet...
I could fry the rabbit, what do you think?
The sinner will drag down the man who pushed her.
It would be better if God called everyone to the Last Judgment. Armageddon!
Armageddon.
Sodom and Gomorrah! What morals!
Milos, we can take it easy now,
there are only a few freight trains in both directions.
Just like trams.
Take over and don't let me down.
My ears will be with you.
The curse of an erotic century. Armageddon.
Condemn the authors of pornography.
Eliminate the monstrous imaginations of our young people.
I can hear you, Milos. You're doing well
but you forgot the telegraph.
Note it down.
- Hi, Milos. - Hello.
I'm on my way from work, so I came to see you.
Yes.
Well, I'll be on my way.
I have to go now.
They tore the sofa.
My stationmaster's Austrian sofa.
That disgusting guy sees nothing but dirty things.
At least if he'd show his lecherous nature...
Whatever he does in the waiting hall,
he can't do it on his boss's sofa!
I'll show you!
Good morning.
Is the station as it should be?
Having fun is all very well,
but duty comes first, do you understand?
Fun, fun... So what?
What about your girl?
She's nice.
Wait.
Wait, that's not everything.
How is she in bed?
This carriage with the nurses will have to stay.
The depot doesn't have an engine.
Nurses.
Merciful cows, that's what they are.
It's terrible the way the Germans carry cattle.
Half of it is dead.
I saw one cow with a dead calf hanging from its rear,
already rotting.
- The Germans are pigs. - The cattle can sense it.
Once a bull on the train put up a fight.
I thought he was going to break the sides off,
so I took a knife and cut his eyes out.
The bull was quiet as a lamb.
Last time, they carried three carloads of half-dead sheep.
They were so hungry, they chewed each other's fur off.
The Germans are pigs.
This is Kostomlaty.
Is it far to Milovice?
Five kilometers.
How do we get there?
- Straight on. - Thanks. Let's go.
Come and see my uncle. I'm leaving now.
Sure, Masa, but I'm working until the evening.
We'll go in the evening and stay the night.
Get closer to each other and give her a nice kiss.
That was a beautiful kiss.
Now smile, look over here.
Smile.
Wave... and that's it.
Thank you.
5 minute photos
Next, please.
Put your foot this way a little bit.
That's nice. Straighten your back.
That's it. Yes, that's it.
Watch that tail, it is fragile.
That's fine, smile.
Smile, and stick out your chest.
That's it. Thank you.
Let's go, then.
Next one, please. Careful on those steps,
don't break your leg.
Go in.
I'll arrange it.
All the way to the end, please.
Watch your head. That's good.
Put your hair like this,
put the bag away, show your pretty teeth.
Yes, that's nice.
Now we can focus.
Quiet, please.
Don't move.
If the one in green could smile...
- Yes, Miss, would you be so kind... - Uncle.
Milos, come along.
The lady in purple, move a bit to the right. That's it.
That's all then. Thank you.
Now I know why Mother didn't want you to be a photographer.
Uncle is crude but he is kind.
What if he comes in?
- Wait, they can hear everything here. - So what?
- Where is the girl? - What for?
- You really don't have a girl with you? - No.
And do you want one?
You've got to be gone in an hour.
Oh, my God!
IF THEY SEIZE YOU YOU'LL DIE!
You'll get me really mad and I'll spank you.
Eleven, twelve...
I told you I'd spank you.
Kostomlaty Railway Station
For Christ's sake.
So you see, doctor, I am not a real man
and I don't even want to be one.
Everything is so difficult in life. While for others it's all child's play.
In other words,
when I had to act, I flopped.
You are as healthy as you can be, maybe too healthy.
When a young person is too healthy
he can suffer from premature ejaculation.
That has happened to me, it's nerves.
You're just overly sensitive.
You need to realize that this is natural and normal
and that it has to be faced as such.
Good morning, Inspector. Look how she came home from work.
Look, show him your behind.
Write a protocol.
Look what this Hubicka did to her.
And on duty too.
Look what he did to her.
Can you imagine?
I could hit that stupid girl for letting him do it.
You must write a protocol. I won't let it go.
Look!
This is Pelikan Company ink, it won't wash off for a week.
This will go to the district court.
Don't think about it too much.
Think of something else, Milos.
Football for instance.
Think of football
and then choose an older, experienced woman to initiate lovemaking.
And I took her under the neck, pressed a bit
and no sound came out of her after that.
I didn't want to kill her, I don't usually steal geese.
And then the neighbor came.
Look, sir, at how the girl looked when she came home from work.
Just have a look!
She is a telegraphist at the station where Milos Hrma cut his veins.
This is how she came home. Her behind full of rubber stamp prints.
Look at it.
Nice, isn't it?
I've never seen anything like it.
Is that some sort of a new party game, Miss?
Yes.
He deserves to be locked up.
You see, dear lady, this is no issue for the court.
You should go and complain to the railway management.
That's a case for the disciplinary commission.
Good God, look at that.
This is a clear-cut criminal case...
Look.
Good afternoon. I'm Milos Hrma.
Out!
Apprentice Milos Hrma from Kostomlaty station reporting.
Yes, young man...
Sorry for having shouted but you should know how to report.
What is it?
Premature ejaculation is what doctor Brabec said.
What a mess.
But dear Hrma, look here,
young people hardly out of the Hitlerjugend
are fighting for a new Europe,
for a better future.
And what is your family doing for Europe?
Your father has been lying on his sofa for quite a few years
although he could have gone on serving the Reich.
Your grandfather hypnotized our tanks on their way to liberate Prague.
The German youth is shedding its blood in battle
and apprentice Milos Hrma sheds his in a bordello bathtub.
But I'll show you.
I can charge you for self-mutilation in order to avoid service for the Reich.
It could also be qualified as sabotage.
There.
What should I put in the report on your case?
With your permission...
I'm not here to procure females for such things,
I have other duties.
But I...
Out!
Welcome, Milos.
Welcome.
You've made our little station famous. Nice.
This is how you skin me alive.
What's happened to you?
Let me see.
Doctor Brabec said that an older woman should teach me
so I was wondering whether you know one.
No, I don't, Milos, you'll have to find one yourself.
What about your wife?
No, she's all mine.
No. I was just wondering whether she'd know of someone.
And then it ends with rubber-stamping.
Doctor Brabec also said I should find a woman of ill repute
to teach me. You wouldn't know of one, would you?
To do what?
Women are basically all alike.
It just has to happen gradually,
you can't ask straight out that way.
Even a woman of ill repute may get scared.
Don't you have a sister?
Yes, I know...
You two will never learn.
Reverend, consider this a confession.
Come to the vicarage, the Church can solve everything.
Everything will be fine, if you believe in it.
The Church has mastered psychoanalysis for 600 years.
But I don't know if it will be able to carry your burden,
though I would deem it a Christian duty.
What are you doing? Painting?
Yes, I am.
What is it now?
I am painting the sea from a postcard.
I'm copying it, but my rheumatic hand is hurting
and I can't get the waves in properly,
the sway of the sea.
I'll tell you something -
place the postcards close to this cover, see?
And then take the brush and do this over the waves.
Do like this until you get the swing in hand.
Then make them bigger and bigger, however you need them to be,
and put them right on the cover.
That's perfect.
So?
Last night, partisans blew up a closely observed train.
The train and the bridge were destroyed.
The main track is blocked, so trains for the front will pass through here.
Tomorrow, an ammunition train will come this way.
You'll get everything in time. The password is Viktoria Freie.
That idea with the sway of the sea is wonderful.
Run, run.
The SS train has stopped.
The partisans have taken out the rails and thrown them into the forest.
Run!
They're putting some new track down, they'll be here any minute now.
They sprayed everything with their bullets.
I must report it, we must cover ourselves.
This is serious.
Milos, you took over for me.
I'll be grateful for the rest of my life.
Come here.
Look, Milos.
Tomorrow a freight train will pass through our station.
So what?
We're going to blow up the train.
Sure, but how?
Don't worry, we're getting everything in time.
28 carloads of ammunition in boxes
blowing up behind our station into outer space.
Now we'll follow our closely observed train again.
The best thing would be to stand on the platform and throw it at the middle car.
But then somebody will see us.
Look.
You'll slow down the train.
When it approaches the signal,
slow it down, then let it through.
What time is dinner at the Countess'?
- At 8:30, sir. - Thank you.
Well, at least I've tried mounting from the other side.
I'm not angry with you, I understand everything.
When will you come round? Tomorrow?
- Maybe the day after tomorrow! - The day after tomorrow.
Don't be afraid, Madam.
It's me, Milos.
What do you want?
Well, you see...
Sit down.
You see, Madam, I came to see you.
The day after tomorrow I want to see my girl,
the conductor, you know?
And she's sure to want...
...you know what. - No, I don't.
Sure you do, don't pretend you don't when I know you do.
You see, I am a man,
but whenever I try to prove that I am a man
I no longer am.
Doctor Brabec said that I suffer from premature ejaculation.
So I came to you.
But Milos...
Well, now, for instance, I am a man.
- Are you angry with me, Madam? - No.
And you won't tell the Stationmaster? Please.
No.
And you aren't angry at me?
Seen this? Viennese professor Doctor Otto Gruner
says that potatoes contain many harmful substances
that can damage your health.
That's interesting.
My name is Viktoria Freie.
In the morning, carloads of ammunition will pass through here.
Be careful.
Can I take a nap somewhere?
You wouldn't leave me alone, would you?
No, I wouldn't, but I'm on duty.
But I'll go and ask.
Sit down.
I'm Viktoria Freie.
A German?
- What do you do? - Circus artist.
Before the war, we had a whole programme of air acrobatics.
And you?
I'm Milos Hrma.
I've tried to kill myself
because I'm suffering from premature ejaculation.
But that's really not so.
Even though I flop every time, I'm a real man.
What are you thinking of now?
Of football.
Doctor Brabec told me to think of football.
Our club is playing an important play-off game.
Please turn off the light.
If you would be so kind.
So you've never had a girl before?
Really and truly not?
It passed through Podebrady so it should be here in half an hour.
Look, this is how you set it.
Are you afraid?
No, I've never been so calm as I am today.
I've cut myself off from the past entirely. Just like that.
Here at least you can rest.
The sofa's cut in two places.
Animals behave better than that.
There, my little chicks...
It should be here in seven minutes.
Who's that coming?
Probably the railway inspector.
The disciplinary commission is opening an investigation
against signalman Ladislav Hubicka.
- Where is the stationmaster? - Here.
Stationmaster reporting.
Good.
I've got a new uniform in the closet.
- So you want to become an inspector? - Yes.
Wouldn't you prefer breeding geese?
No.
I should go and change, I've got a new uniform in the closet.
- Take the minutes for us. - Fine.
Pay attention.
The situation of our armies fighting for the welfare
of all the nations of Europe is extremely favorable.
Zdenka, is that your behind?
Yes.
And who stamped you?
Signalman Hubicka.
How did it happen?
We were both on night duty. I was reading until midnight.
There were no trains so we were bored.
Then Mr. Hubicka said we should play games for tokens.
So we played...
"everything that has wings flies".
The raven flies.
The child flies.
Time flies.
The train flies.
The soldier flies.
The second flies.
Death flies.
Everything flies.
Hey, Milos!
Masa, wait a minute.
I'll be right back.
And I kept losing.
First, my shoes, then the stockings,
then the blouse and bra
and finally my panties.
I see. And who took them off?
Mr. Hubicka.
Now, Zdena, listen carefully.
Before the signalman put you on the table
did he use force?
Did he threaten you in any way?
Not really.
I lay down of my own accord.
I wanted to wait and see what would happen.
Wait and see what would happen.
He didn't threaten you in any way?
Did he use any force?
No.
Then this is no crime against personal freedom
but abuse and disgrace of the German language.
The most noble people of Europe go to the front to fight for peace.
Risking their lives, their blood.
And how do you thank the Reich?
You stamp imprints on the telegraphist's rear end
and slash your wrists because of a girl.
Do you know what the Czechs are?
Laughing beasts.
The inspector's garden is all shot to hell.
The End
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